GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.