“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
“Oh god wait.”
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin…
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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
4: Let’s play.
4: You can be the mommy.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.