@BrattyBarbie

Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin…

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@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@TweetPotato314

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

@jake_lach

I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too

@joeljeffrey

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

@Sir_Strange

I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@lmegordon

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.