Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
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Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
2022 will be better than 2021
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Put this video in the Louvre
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.