@batkaren

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

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@WeissBrandon

Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Mom: y?
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u

@TheBoydP

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

@ToxicProbably

Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

@clyderun

At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the “I have a PhD” card.

Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.

@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@bonehugsnirony

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

@MarfSalvador

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

@EndhooS

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes