Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business