ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
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I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Health officials: Don’t touch your face
Me, seconds later:
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox