@PrestoVision

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

@drinksmcgee

I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.

@murrman5

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@FlyoverJoel

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

@sip_at_home_mom

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

@stephenjmolloy

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

@NicestHippo

[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox