@TomSchally
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
@SirEviscerate
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
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@TomSchally
@seriouslyemily
I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”
@KalvinMacleod
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
@HomeWithPeanut
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
@Ygrene
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
@coalslag
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
@simoncholland
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
@jewfacekilla
my heart says yes but my mom said no
@XplodingUnicorn
5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar