@SirEviscerate

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

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@TomSchally

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

@seriouslyemily

I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@HomeWithPeanut

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@coalslag

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

@simoncholland

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar