@hamspamtymaam If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
@SirEviscerate Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
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@hamspamtymaam 
@nimble__nick Get off my lawn. Oh, it’s you. Mow the lawn.
-My dad
@TheDailySchmuck Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don’t think I’ll be able to curse today. Shucks.
@Staggfilms BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
@fro_vo *running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
@myonlymizztake I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
@carlyken Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
@Just_Jess_Again Siri, where are my pants?
@Lexactly The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock
@nayele18maybe Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.