@SirEviscerate

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

You Might Also Like

@hamspamtymaam

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

@TheDailySchmuck

Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don’t think I’ll be able to curse today. Shucks.

@Staggfilms

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

@fro_vo

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

@myonlymizztake

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

@carlyken

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

@Lexactly

The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.