Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.


Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don’t think I’ll be able to curse today. Shucks.


BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.


*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea


I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.


Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*


The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock


Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.