Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR