Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@daemonic3

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

@batkaren

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

@undeadmolly

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@ClichedOut

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

@the_wordwizard

Buy the haunted house…

You’ll never be lonely.

@treywafer

I put the “m” in illiterate

@panmidwest

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

@hoplesslycrazy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.

@truegritrumble

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.