Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
I put the “m” in illiterate
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.