@flashember

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

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@JPLFR80

Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

@ElleOhHell

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

@mommajessiec

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

@hazelmotes1

Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”

@BoogTweets

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

@IntrepidDeviant

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@Ixwie

There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.

@causticbob

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.