*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Priest: What is your name?
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.