[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15