@chloethesiren

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

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@TheBoydP

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

@TimJohnish

I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.

@WilliamRodgers

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

@luckinspades

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

@YeahDrewisOn

Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*

@BadMikeyBad

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

@danjan13

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink