[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

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I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.


I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.


Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…


Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.


Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*


OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here


Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink