[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.