In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no