Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.

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Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.


FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?


A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.


“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”


Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”


I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.


“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”


[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?


You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder


After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill