Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.
Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.
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FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill