@duplicitron

Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.

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@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

@mommajessiec

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

@amydillon

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

@mariokeyparty

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

@MarlaCaceres

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

@pilau

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

@waydybee

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

@mommajessiec

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

@mattytalks

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

@mrjohntofu

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.