my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
every college guy’s fridge
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
when you are just born a rebel
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation