Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.