Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
You Might Also Like
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Favourite diary entry ever
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them