This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.