In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up
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Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.
Prius driver: oh no