@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up

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@lovemydogduck

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

@Proxic0n

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

@KentWGraham

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

@AcerbicSuburban

Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.

@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

@sweetmomissa

Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.

Prius driver: oh no