Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*