@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

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@albz

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

@mindflakes

The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

@100DollarChill

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?

(??_?)

Tell your friends”

@ninjadinosaur1

It would probably be cool to hang out with a witch because you could bake just the biggest cake in her child sized oven.

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@MiahSaint

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War