GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.


Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.


FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares


It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.


The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird


*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?


Tell your friends”


It would probably be cool to hang out with a witch because you could bake just the biggest cake in her child sized oven.


[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse


Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War