GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
School be like
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket