@iamspacegirl

Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.

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@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

@HatfieldAnne

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

@junejuly12

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

@christrew

Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example

@SCbchbum

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

@_ElvishPresley_

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

@RedRegenerated

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

@KevinBuffalo

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

@poutinesmoothie

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.