Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Motives for murder:
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.