Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
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[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978