Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…