Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

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I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?


‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’


18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …


That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?


Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon


[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]



*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?


Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks


The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.