@miffedmim

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

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@isabelzawtun

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

@InigoUnleashed

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@Gooooats

That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

@vladchoc

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

@Quartzjixler

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@TheAlexNevil

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

@ArfMeasures

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

@Samigrl2

The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.