ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them