*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
me irl
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf