Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *


JESUS: heaven… must be missing an angel
ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet
JESUS: hehe
ME: hehe
JESUS: time to send u back
ME: wait no what


im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time


Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.


The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.


Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.


Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.


I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?


Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.


My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.