Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor