@hamersauce

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

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@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

@jonnysun

JESUS: heaven… must be missing an angel
ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet
JESUS: hehe
ME: hehe
JESUS: time to send u back
ME: wait no what

@bobvulfov

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

@FudgeRobot

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

@russbengtson

The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.

@DeathStarPR

Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

@GloGurL

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

@badAzz_mom

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

@LeonEarlgrey

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.