Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
definitely did not do anything wrong
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I’m being attacked 😭
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life