@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

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@Catherinee_Jeff

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

@Buffalojilll

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

@Heartblakekid15

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

@mollandra

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

@robin_991

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

@planntika_

i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people

@GFGander

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@goldengateblond

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.