dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.