@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

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@jenlaw_11

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@vexroid

Cell phone.

Recliner.

Beer.

Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.

@MarcusTheToken

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

@OrangeFact

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

@TequilaTears

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

@PaulyPeligroso

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

@philco816

Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

@SeanLowe09

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

@david8hughes

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

@TheRohiniReddy

I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.