Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.