[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend teeth.
*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.
*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.