Who says great literature is dead?
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Ummm
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”