Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
No regrets in 2018
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
こいつ天才
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.