Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
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Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”