ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
You Might Also Like
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.