I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
You Might Also Like
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”