me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Note to self: I am a note
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.