@DamonHunzeker

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

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@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

@RubenWriter

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

@Darlainky

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

@donni

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

@michaeljhudson

Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.