Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.