Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

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5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no


The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.


Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.


It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans


Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.