I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
men are so lucky they don’t have to sit down to poop.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.