@mrjohntofu

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

You Might Also Like

@dumbbeezie

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

@AaronFullerton

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

@3dog101

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

@chuuew

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

@HousewifeOfHell

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

@HannahSymmonds

Him: It’s so damn sexy when women bite their lip

Me: Like this?

Him: The bottom lip.

@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@dannyboy7813

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

@KellyMeldrum

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.