I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
You Might Also Like
So, like, how married are you?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Him: It’s so damn sexy when women bite their lip
Me: Like this?
Him: The bottom lip.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.