Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

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When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.


WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg


ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit


Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.


Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t


[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]


5yo: *smells glue stick*


5yo: it smells like strawberries!

Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*


I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!


*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”


Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.