Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

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I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.


How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture


Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?


Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand


*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright


Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”


Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry