Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Shortcut
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.