Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”