@Naked_Superman

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

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@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

@LostFelicia

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

@ThePocketJustin

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

@ColIegeStudent

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

@panmidwest

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

@iinkedZombie

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?