HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?