gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.