@HatfieldAnne

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

@whatmaddness

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

@crashtestdrummy

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you should be washing your hands after bathrooming at home, too.

@Marlebean

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

@Lowenaffchen

Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*

@thenoahkinsey

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@FunnyBison

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”