@sheseemslegit Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
@HatfieldAnne *gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
- @HatfieldAnne
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@sheseemslegit 
@sonictyrant Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
@FatherWithTwins 4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
@rablivingstone If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
@iwearaonesie Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
@trumpetcake I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
@LoveNLunchmeat I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
@Shen_the_Bird ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
@mostlysharks Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
@julie2288 The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…
Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.