@HatfieldAnne

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

- @HatfieldAnne

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@sheseemslegit

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

@sonictyrant

Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

@rablivingstone

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

@iwearaonesie

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

@trumpetcake

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

@Shen_the_Bird

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

@mostlysharks

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.