@Darlainky
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
@HatfieldAnne
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
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@Darlainky
@whatmaddness
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
@crashtestdrummy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you should be washing your hands after bathrooming at home, too.
@Marlebean
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
@Lowenaffchen
Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*
@thenoahkinsey
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
@Just__J0
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
@Swan_Corleone2
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
@jonnysun
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
@FunnyBison
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”