*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Don’t talk down to me
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.