Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit