Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

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Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?


*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*


Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.


If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.


[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume


[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.


I’ve decided to write a ‘knock knock’ joke about Jehovah’s witnesses.

“Knock, Knock, Knock , knock knock knock knock knock “


Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.


I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.


[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though