Me: Good night, moon.
[30 mins later]
Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I’ve decided to write a ‘knock knock’ joke about Jehovah’s witnesses.
“Knock, Knock, Knock , knock knock knock knock knock “
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though