*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.