DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
ME: Get my money’s worth.
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
* deletes account
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY