@JB4Realz

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

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@truegritrumble

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

@KMoFlo_official

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

@jeffswarens

Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.

@sheann828

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

@JackAsHell

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

@animaldrumss

Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?

@LeBearGirdle

Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY