Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]

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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap


You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.


Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time


[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.


Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.


Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.


It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”


Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.


HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular