@SirEviscerate

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

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@cwhudson

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

@TheAndrewNadeau

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

@mrjohndarby

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

@Darlainky

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

@Robert_Beau

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

@freypalm

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular