Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
We all have our pet causes.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people