[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day