[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
That’s fair
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…