@RobElliottComic: Giraffes born in American Zoos are Giraffrican Americans
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@HidingNDAttic: ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
@cluedont: Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?
@LoveNLunchmeat: I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I have never seen this before: You have no bones!" Me: "Really? Could the x-ray be broken?" Doctor: "Ignore what I just said."