Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.