@NeptunePhoenix

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

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@biggarf

I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?

@PhilJamesson

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

@iwearaonesie

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

@SirEviscerate

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@PhilJamesson

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty