I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Attention fat vegans:
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty