Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
You Might Also Like
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.