[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Don’t tell me what to do
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Meow
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?