Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I didn’t come here to be called names
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV