@smeagolsfree

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

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@mattmanic

How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers’ food?

@hunz74

Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

@Carbosly

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.

@AsaAkira

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

@abhorrent_wife

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@BoomBoomBetty

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

@ceejoyner

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

@Rollinintheseat

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”