Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

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How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers’ food?


Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.


Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.


A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.


There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.


A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.


Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.


*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”